Zut, you've always been so ambiguous one day, you're everywhere around, hanging out with me, exchanging ideas trying to help, laughing and being so healthy, so happy next day you're nowhere to be seen cold and uncaring as if I'm an empty spot I don't get it, it's like a switch which says "hey girl you have had enough now I've got some bigger things to do if you excuse me I'll go to some real people we'll do some real stuff" I don't know how to respond to that. and it goes worse. with the eyes that sometimes say a lot you confuse me, as next thing I know - they look past me and never notice with the words you throw on fire you confuse me even more - why would you say this why would you do this if you're about to back up just in a minute? It's such a cruel game. And this is only the beginning of all dirty games you play.

I decided to take things quiet for quite a while, and there was a good reason to it. There has always been a relationship in this small group I've been describing that I wasn't talking about intentionally. It was too hard for me to open up and say things out loud. Then it got worse, and I even stopped writing. Now, when I'm on the edge, I think it's time to open up a little. Even though it scares the hell out of me to say this out loud, but hell, I've got nothing to lose. As I'm writing this, you can possibly read through the style and metaphor and see that I'm actually the 3 part or a 3 wheel sometimes next to Annie and Nadine. Not too typical for girls as they tend to prefer pairs, but not too uncommon, just this. thing. the three of us. No questions here, it's all been around for a pretty long time. but there's me also being a friend of Zut which is in a way a violation of our 3 girls bro code, as the other 2 members tend to hate him on regular basis. You know, he's everywhere, just too posh and vain at times for them to like. And they're ...I guess too serious and too unflirty around him. And I am? What, exactly? have no idea where it all began. and I'll need a lot more space to describe this. and a lot more courage.

So Annie broke up with her boyfriend tonight.

I didn't have a clue they had it THAT bad until this Thursday when she said he didn't call her for a week.
I didn't have a clue she's that broken until she called me today, crying

I've never seen her in such a devastating situation before.

Must say, it affects me.
Makes me want to cry to.

Makes me think about ME actually, but I avoid such a thing.

She said her heart was like a mirror where he'd thrown a stone, breaking it into thousands of shards
She said a lot

And it all was in the air - her trauma and despair, and her happiness to have us-me and Nadine as friends to help her
and i'm amazed and amused and happy to know it but ...

oh God I wish here was no BUT and no need for me to muck in with any of my own stories or thoughts

I wish I could tell it all beautifully but...

Here comes BUT

The guy she broke up with was a mess. He's a kid and a couch potato, while she is...well, she's Annie, our Wonderwoman, strong as hell.
I always found them weird.
And so now that she's single she tells me her life is over, she's broken and she's really worried, cos she's going to be old soon, and she has to have a family, and now it all is so uncertain and she has to find some other guy and that she feels terrible without any relationship...

I'm here next to her, and I try to comfort her break-up pain never actually experiencing one, listening to her stories about how you're not going to find anyone after you turn 20 - here I am, never in a couple, still alive somehow.
Her words do bite me in a way


I wish they didn't
I wish to be a friend and truly understand her but the fact is- I can't.
And never could.

Or....maybe I can do this anything for her, but she can't kind of....return it?
Cos my shoes are ...heavier, in a way? Like more...freaked out?

I love you Annie, but it's my pain you'll never ever see.
I'm here to be your friend and to help you, though you won't actually know how to do the same.
It's OK.

Bombshell?

All Hell breaks loose!

Nadin's boyfriend had a big "talk" with our Zut guy!
Don't know about you but I find the very idea quite entertaining.

The background to this historical event is pretty dull: Zut just was himself, jumping around her saying some little dirty things checking her out just for fun, jokingly trying to flirt or whatever it was. In my eyes this was just this innocent act of Zut's nature.
But apparently not for Nadine.

When I said she was a GIRL I meant to show you that she's almost a Princess. Especially in here since no one else is to take the position.
it's not a good idea to make jokes about her, whatever innocent lovely and tiny they are!
A girl like me would be happy to be their little clown.

But Nadine!
She's the girl we all view with the corner of our eye, the girl we turn to watch walking by, the girl we stat talking to in the subway.
She's not the girl to play with.



Her boyfriend is a local celebrity. He has a face which in my opinion has just too much sugar in it - compared to Zut he lacks animal allurement, some luxurious messiness. He's very "correct" definition of a Prince Charming - pop singer, has a group of girl-fans, but he's chosen Nadine and this is what feels good, I guess. He's also known for lipsyncing,having yours truly to be the a lyricswriter, and being nasty to her from time to time...But I just feel that they actually love each other and that...they have this little something between them which makes them pretty same to me.
So Prince Charming has to help his Princess, right?
He writes a letter to our bad boy and they end up discussing some group promotion tips.
Good friends?
No, of course not.

Zut doesn't give a damn about the guy because he just knows very well, as I know very well, as I guess you know now, if you believe me - Prince Charming is never that cool as a Bad Boy can be. So he's very happy to finally settle the riddle of Nadine - who seemed to be so much higher than he was. Now he just doesn't care much to tease her.It also makes him happy to remind himself that he does the same thing (plays the prince who rescues the princess) for his own girlfriend.

Nadine is head over heels in love with her honorable Knight. She's happy he did it for her, she's happy Zut finally shut up, and she's happy to have something others don't have - protection. Her prince was showing off, but he did for her something none of her friends ever had, so it's her right to enjoy her romantic adventure.


There's still a riddle behind them all. The riddle they are not going to even think of.

We're back

I woke up and found myself stuck between Zut and Nadine, who were jokingly fighting using me as a battle field.
I looked up and saw Wilhelm staring at us with a mixed expression.

And I thought 'this is it, here we are again!'

I should admit, I have no idea what did Wilhelm think about this moment.

Who is he?
That's a nice question.

There's no person in my life but he whom I'd expect to do next to anything tomorrow.
He's done so many things I'd be never able to understand or even try to follow his logic.

When we all just met he used to be sentimental depressive young poet dressed in dark colours, craving for decadent nineteenth century Europe.
This might even sound nice, but just let me finish.

You can't always tell something is a lie while something else is true. With Wilhelm there's almost no way to divide his imaginations, lies from something which is real. That scares me. Because you know, if a person like that occurs in your life, you're anyway able to distinguish this one thing above all that mess - the guy is fake.
because if you're true to yourself and everybody around - there would be no such things as enigma in your personality.
at least, not to that Wilhelm's extent.

He is....He is the most difficult person to talk about.
He's changed his looks several times, and...
Well, as his belief and honor he calls himself an artist, musician, writer and so that - and extremely creative person. So he creates looks.yeah, that he does.

1) Sentimental-poet-musician-depressive-thooughtful-extremely creative-guy look.
As I mentioned, this was the first look I was to picture of him, and ....well, just imagine.
He was a little over-weight that time ( he when somehow lost it all and became pretty skinny, saying he hasn't eaten for 4 weeks), and he wore this big black kinda baggy trousers, shining black shoes ( must have been polishing them regularly, who does that at the age of 17?), black or brown sweater, butterfly tie, english pattern scarf, and a sideburns with his combed back hair.
He also carried his cane-umbrella everywhere with him (he still has it now). He used to say a lot of random stuff about his ever lasting sadness and vulnerability of his soul.
This is when interesting things happened between him and his new "friend".


As a matter of fact, this guys would never be drawn together if it wasn't for the circumstances. They were the only unpaired or ungroupped people left, you now what I mean, when some new social group emerges people are quick to find themselves some new group so that they won't be alone and scared anymore. This two people (after there was 3 of them) had nothing better but to hang out together.Since, you know, Zut is way too cool and he has a HUGE group of people hanging out with and AROUND him, Nadine, Annie and me are an extremely closed and solid group, and so it goes for others, the guys fit practically nowhere.

So Wilhelm found a friend.

We never thought too much about him before this story. He was just a pretty weird guy but we never knew too much about him, he'd never show.

But through the second guy (I'm certainly going to tie him in here once somehow) we've learned a lot...about both of them, and about people in general.

People are strange.
Vows of love and friendship, huge amounts of money spent on presents, beautiful words to complement your figure, style, accomplishments are never as honest as one little bruise on your skin you got as a result of a puppy-fight for your "i didn't want to interrupt your high flying life"

And so Wilhelm was in.....friendship. Yeah, for 4 months we really thought he was in love but now I don't really know what was this all about. Both guys seem very gay to me but who knows?
But this is now too important, I respect any orientation, what I don't respect is foolishness.

You see, this "friends" thing was a complete freak show. Wilhelm threatens to hang himself if the other guy won't let Wilhelm write a course paper for him.
He's almost hysterical than the other guy refuses to miss the lesson with him.
Wilhelm would walk him home and meet at the door next morning.
He'd say and do a lot, and it seems he enjoyed the whole thing.
As well as the other guy who ended up having a lot of money, educational help and other joys- all for free!

seems like every side'd benifit from the "friendship" thing, ha? Well until the Other Guy was gone.

don't ask me now.

Wilhelm was furious.
He was so pissed off that he kept throwing his anger at others - especially at the three of us.

there was a lot, it's stupid to write this all here, but once he'd have a really bad one with Annie and I ended up saying really tough words to him, as I was really ready to punch him to protect her.
As if she ever needed protection.
she'd scare the hell out of him, so did I, and he took it all back, so did I, and after short break we saw the new him. Positive, bright, and oh-so-fake him.

2) Positive, bright and oh-so-fake guy look.

In spring he came, all of the sudden, with a huge single svarovski earring, a really short silver painted leather jacket, new jeans, shoes, other things....and it was all like "I just want to be friends with you, you're cool" kinda thing, and it's sad, and I pity him, but still this everything is so forced, so solely mind-motivated, and I'm still searching for some heart ecisions in him, and I can't find, and this all makes me really say, that I don't understand him.

and though he might do all this good things to me, I won't surrender, and nobody will.






we keep our kindergarten fight, and he keeps watching it, and I keep wondering, if I'm just like him, this distant, cold, or just like them - warm and close?

Strangers

It's funny how you chose yourelf a flock. There are certain people you spend your life with, hour to hour, share dinner and gossips, and never ever doubt your choice until something really strikes the usual routine.
It's like we all are watching other people from the barricades of our own friends. We can't go to the other side and share a meal with someone else. All that left is just watching other people pass by to the flock of their own.
It's a constant passing by, all this life, we're watching each other, glaring, whispering words behind someone's back, accepting or disapproving someone else's behaviour, knowing, still, that they do the same to us. And we're all OK with that.

Little flocks, groups, couples devide our lives into such a chequered battle field. We're all strangers, everybody, but it's easier to live this world if you have some little cage of minds and bodies which provides you with a little illusion of security.

Me, Nadine, Anie, Zut - we all are being watched.
assessed. cheked out. spoken about. thought to be.
All by the people who crowd all around us.
It's not like "we" really exist.
It's just that I want to feel like I have something more than just strangers around me.
We do too, I suppose. We made a pact. Such an amasing agreement, no peacemaker in history could've thought about something that brilliant.
Under this storm of opinions we stare.
Here comes Angela. This is a part of her real name, let me use this here. She passes by, shaking her hips in her usual cat-like manner. It's kinda funny to watch her being so sweet all the way through other "strangers"...she smiles and flashes her eyelashes at guys, like a little baby doll, which looks so good with her a plump figure, blush and wide open eyes..
Yeah, it's kinda funny to watch her now, since I know she used to be Nadine's best friend for years.
It's not kinda fun which says "hey you now I'm with her and you're not"
you see, I never felt I actually WAS with Nadine.
It's just funny...how things turn out, you know?
They used to be two parts of one flock. Big parts.
And now they're this strangers who eye each other, focusing on every little detail, slowly drifting through time, noticing each other change more and more, till they feel that every little piece which once glued them together is gone. And as they do, you know, they're ...so strangers.
funny, isn't it?
probably not at all, but I have no other word to describe that weird feeling I always get when I see how weird this life is.

Wind is blowing, and I can't help but think who is the next to become a stranger?
It can be anybody's turn to leave this little fake shelter we've created.

I look at them and think "One day it will be me, eyeing you from the opposite corner. Maybe this day is tomorrow"

All unknown

It's not actually a fashion blog, guys.
I sure write a lot about clothing and things, I love fashion things, and I absolutely adore things my characters/real life mates (the same thing yeah) wear.
But I don't know much about it.
When it concerns my own style.
I know nothing when it turns to me.
That's why we're going to talk about somebody else here.
I'm just a narrator.

I have to show you the plot we're entering.

You see a group of people. Like, at the university. Two of them you already know. Nadine and Zut. Here they come, young and stunning.
You also see many others.
I need to tell their stories now too, while we're still at the beginning of some kinda story, I suppose?
Oh no, wait. It's not a story. It's a journal.

Next to Nadine, any day. anytime, you'll see Annie. Her name was supposed to mean some kinda freaky pet-name of Anorexia Nervosa.

Annie was overweight about 4 years ago. When she lived far away from here and never knew me, or Nadine, or anyone else. It was a little town, back then, and a little girl. Pretty uncertain about everything, as we all were. But what she certainly had, even then, was stamina and devotion. Sometimes I think she isn't a girl, but is a ..Terminator. She pushed herself hard, she changed, from one edge to another.


Now, Annie that I know and love is skinny, harsh, strong, very smart and articulate.
She never wavers. She would say all the nasty things to your face when you deserve it, and never hesitate for a second. She burns bridges and calls the shots, and if I'm to imagine this group of people at war - she sure is the commander-in-chief.
Army is not any random metaphor - she is a solider, that's the best word I can think of.
Annie loves life. She hates studies because she has to give 200% to it, that's her ultimatum, she can't be softer to herself. But when she has no obligations she is the most cheerful and sunny person I know. She dances and enjoys whatever weather. Although she prefers Sun. And she has very distinctive sense of humor: it is the border line one step from which means her joke is redneck and stupid, but she never crosses it, and makes me laugh hard. That shows some realism and toughness of hers, I suppose.
Although you know. Anorexia means she is hurt. At least, she used to be very hurt.
One day we'll find out.


Nadine and Annie stick together in this whirlpool of faces and minds as they prefer each other to other girls in a crowd: both intelligent and logical, both having nice managerial skills, both quite bitchy, strong, girly, and also with a little hint of melancholy which can't be healed. They are both very realistic and enjoy relationship which is in all aspects human, down-to-earth...
It is such a joy watching them work together in class! Having all the qualities I mentioned, they're the brightest students in the group. They complement each other perfectly, and through the years Nadine and Annie have managed to get to know each other so well that they work as a mechanism now and have never ever broke down.

As for Annie's relationship with another person I've already written about - I need to say that Annie is probably the only girl Zut is really afraid of. Not in a way many people dread spiders or snakes, no, but he speaks to her pretty seldom and tries to avoid joking while she's present - as if he's afraid that she would get offended by something. Her authority is clear to him and he never doubts it. While he teases Nadine, flirting, he would never dare to play the same game with Annie. Although he founds her attractive, I did ask. It is very funny to see them together, it's like the most controversial couple I've ever seen in my life. Which makes me want to see it more often.
Which make me want to write about them.
I'll tell you stories and heartbreaks.
But now...now we're just passing through the crowd of unfamiliar faces...oh, here we go, do you see them? Just like I said, tall pretty girl with a fringe, skinny black haired girl with huge huge eyes and a fringe, too...and here, approaching them, smiling, a guy with curls and self esteem.