Beautiful

I've been thinking about it. A lot. So much that in fact it is driving me crazy.
Beautiful.
Are my friends?.. Am I?..








Thin.
Chic.

At those photos life seems not what it is here.
No bad hair days.
And everything seems special. Too special.

Sure, this is not me.

How to deal with that?
In a world of constant beauty, shocking and choking - it is so hard to say "Hello" and receive an answer.





Everything goes crazily around it and around THEM. Those ones who make me and the other world shiver.
Craziness. Amaziness.
What do I do with you, my little me?

I guess my only way is to keep it independent.
Won't spend my time trying to me more.like.them.
'cos you see I'm not and never will be.
I can't hate them.
Who can hate the beauty?

But anyway I'll choose some other way.
Even love isn't that important as independence and freedom is.
Do you see me now, denying everything? This makes me feel hell proud of myself. Really. When I look at them-I'm done. And when, when I see a guy I like kissing one of those perfect creatures - I'm done and dead. But.
But whatever happens, whatever I don't posses and won't become - I'm still me. I've got responsibilities to myself.
So what I really have to do is to quench my fists and go the opposite direction.
It helps.
Opposite, opposite, opposite from anything.
It helps, it hides and it cheers. It gives you a feeling that you're special, which other people get from their face or ass. Pathetic, but useful.

What have I learned today?
If you have nothing to do - just start learning your philosophy home task by heart. Don't go and write some rubbish in your blog.

Bitchy Wednesday

Welcome we love you
We hate you
We love you
We want you
We need you
We wish we were like you
They say you're a saint
You're a whore
You're a sinner
That he had you
He made you
He can't live without you.

Would you confess if we asked
That you nurture the urge
To declare that it's time
To settle down
With a man of your own
You want a baby
A family
A piece of security

Shut your mouth
Try not to panic
Just shut your mouth
If you can do it

Shut your mouth
Try not to panic
Just shut your mouth
If you can do it
Just shut your mouth

What's your opinion on the dire situation
In our land here
Our guest here
Of course you'll be nice here
How do you feel about god and religion
Are you good people
Bad people
Guess it doesn't matter people.

Your place
My place
Make her bring that famous face
You got some
You want some
You wanna let me get you some
We know your music but of course we'd never buy it
It's too fake man
Right man!
(We don't give a FUCKING DAMN!)

Shut your mouth
Try not to panic
Just shut your mouth
If you can do it

Shut your mouth
Try not to panic
Just shut your mouth
If you can do it

I hear you say it
Play it smart girl
Win the game love
Give 'em what they want
What they want to see and you could be a big star
You could go far
Make a landmark
What have you been reading you smart girl?
Win the game love
Give 'em what they want
What they want to see and you could be a big star
You could go far
Make a landmark
Make a shit load.

And the world spins by
With everybody moaning
Pissing, bitching and everyone is shitting
On their friends
On their love
On their oaths
On their honor
On their graves
Out their mouths
And their words say nothing

Shut your mouth
Try not to panic
Just shut your mouth
If you can do it

Shut your mouth
Try not to panic
Just shut your mouth
If you can do it
Just shut your mouth

I waited to say something
Oh shut your mouth
I wanted to say something
Just shut your mouth
I waited to say something
Oh shut your mouth
I wanted to be something
Just shut your mouth

(c) Garbage


This two days it is really too many words.
Like, yesterday we had a spare time between classes, had nothing to do, just set in the cafeteria. And, as it naturally goes so, mates started some discussion, usual fun teenage stuff like movies books studies...
I was silent most of the time, it has become my attitude towards everything, although from time to time I really wanted to jump up and shout this exact words "Shut your mouth"
Don't really know what was wrong with me or the guys, just..

You shall know the feeling when you're surrounded and still have nothing to say.
Because your entire universe is SO MUCH different and it should never EVER meet any other universes, because if it happens - everything falls apart and nothing could be done to stop it.

they are my friends.
still I stood up and left.

Maybe this is what growing up is like?

Although it would be unfair to say there's no one at all.

Just a pity that those "my" are far.
Just another day when everything is very complicated.

And - I look like a monster 'cos I've caught flu, and now my nose is bleeding for some reason, so as in some movie they would say
"JUST PERFECT"
with that strange intonation. You know.


I'm clever, after all.
have enough humor to laugh at myself.
constantly.
freakin' always
and I guess I still have some worlds to escape to.
when this present anxiety will let me go.

oh shut up, stupid girl!!

It has been so many discussions about it, I know, just want to say what I see.

Since Tuesday when I watched this I keep listening and watching this very part over and over again.
I feel very connected to it.
This whole metaphor, this bitter smiles and the word "happy" from House mouth gives me goosebumps.
They've managed to make this whole thing tiny, graceful, disturbing and extremely sad.

Cos in every moment I see my story. This is such a relief to see something that true and that appealing. And still this is very sad.
Just look at them.
This beautiful charming woman in a bride's white is supposed to be dying. When she softly whispers, preparing herself for the happiness, my heart sinks.
The limp and devastated man. And this hospital atmosphere. It is a twisted feeling. To to see when dancing towards the upcoming thunder...So true, a bombshell

it makes me remember everything I've ever felt in my life, memories flesh before my eyes faster when I can catch them, and it's almost like this is me staying there, in that surreal place...And I really do, every day.

Just singing to it, over and over again.

This is an amazing response to all this books, movies, people who just tell us to forget our troubles and to get happy. Happiness has become some kinda pill for everyone, just like popularity, wealth and beauty.
This is at least true.
And by and large - spiritual.
This piece tells me that happiness is unreachable. And still, I also hear - not that necessary. At least that usual form of it.
Am I now happy crying when looking at their sad faces?
Am I not happy to hear that happiness doesn't exist in a world of mine?

If you're a nerd or a weirdo like me don't get too cosy with those "normal" people. It might seem like you're getting on pretty well and you might be thinking that you aren't nerdy and weird that much, but trust me, you are. And in a day or a week your new pretty friends will find a way to show you that, though not obligatory on purpose.

There's no pill and no technique which would magically change your brains and help you laugh at silly toilet jokes.
A neurosurgery could help, though.

Still, my brain won't rebel against itself. It's more of a narcissistic kind.

A didactic story

Today I made a pretty walk with a pretty guy. I remember old-school movies and cartoons and have some idea of how I should behave. You know. Be fancy. Be hooked.
But I couldn't care less about this since I was still a weirdo, and he was still a cool guy. I can see fun, I can see youth and loads of energy, enthusiasm and power. Things I don't posses and doubt if I will. Things which are the life itself.
But I can't approve of ways this energy etc is spent. So this is there I begin searching for a connection and don't find it.
Love is great. Three different girl-friends per year - not really.
Imagination is superb. Using drugs to help yourself make cool things - not really.
Beauty is our everything. A beauty who divides people into two columns- "cool" ones and the others - not really.

It is difficult to explain your cold attitude to someone who is really blinded by the amazingness of himself and a world around. The biggest trouble with people is that they aren't entirely good or bad.
So if you're not strong enough to resist their good parts - you'll end up stuck just as I am.

If you experience something similar...If you still want to befriend some of one's whose life is way different from yours - you'd better never be open with them. I make them open to me so that I can enjoy the presence of some book-alike story near me, and never let them actually hurt me.

If they don't know I'm different - they won't hurt me.
Being open has no sense anyway - they won't be able to understand and assess your distinctiveness.
So if you're going to a fancy party - just lie your ass out. Pretend you're cool - this is much better than just sit in a corner being yourself. Joke a lot - they won't get your sarcasm anyway.

Why do this?
Because we shouldn't let those pretty dummies conquer the entire world.
Don't let them get too cosy!
Even though they don't actually see ME. They know that I ( my name and surname) exist.

So I'm really not going to make a big introduction.
I had another blog. It was too snotty. So I created this. To be more true. You know. I can be shitty cute and this funny-mad something. But I'm tiered of being that all the time. Sarcasm and bitterness are much more real. So fuck this beginning and I'll just get down to whatever today was like.

I study at University with a million of different types of plastic people. My head hurts in the evening because of them. My friends include: one who's always bitching on me; anorexic one; one with too high self-esteem; a normal human being; a heart-breaker; a very tomb-boyish girl; a romantically-childishly-flimsy someone and a couple of others. Not that they really like me. Not that I don't like them at all. I love them. Still I walk alone.
Gotta be something I know better. Gotta be something I should show.