We're back

I woke up and found myself stuck between Zut and Nadine, who were jokingly fighting using me as a battle field.
I looked up and saw Wilhelm staring at us with a mixed expression.

And I thought 'this is it, here we are again!'

I should admit, I have no idea what did Wilhelm think about this moment.

Who is he?
That's a nice question.

There's no person in my life but he whom I'd expect to do next to anything tomorrow.
He's done so many things I'd be never able to understand or even try to follow his logic.

When we all just met he used to be sentimental depressive young poet dressed in dark colours, craving for decadent nineteenth century Europe.
This might even sound nice, but just let me finish.

You can't always tell something is a lie while something else is true. With Wilhelm there's almost no way to divide his imaginations, lies from something which is real. That scares me. Because you know, if a person like that occurs in your life, you're anyway able to distinguish this one thing above all that mess - the guy is fake.
because if you're true to yourself and everybody around - there would be no such things as enigma in your personality.
at least, not to that Wilhelm's extent.

He is....He is the most difficult person to talk about.
He's changed his looks several times, and...
Well, as his belief and honor he calls himself an artist, musician, writer and so that - and extremely creative person. So he creates looks.yeah, that he does.

1) Sentimental-poet-musician-depressive-thooughtful-extremely creative-guy look.
As I mentioned, this was the first look I was to picture of him, and ....well, just imagine.
He was a little over-weight that time ( he when somehow lost it all and became pretty skinny, saying he hasn't eaten for 4 weeks), and he wore this big black kinda baggy trousers, shining black shoes ( must have been polishing them regularly, who does that at the age of 17?), black or brown sweater, butterfly tie, english pattern scarf, and a sideburns with his combed back hair.
He also carried his cane-umbrella everywhere with him (he still has it now). He used to say a lot of random stuff about his ever lasting sadness and vulnerability of his soul.
This is when interesting things happened between him and his new "friend".


As a matter of fact, this guys would never be drawn together if it wasn't for the circumstances. They were the only unpaired or ungroupped people left, you now what I mean, when some new social group emerges people are quick to find themselves some new group so that they won't be alone and scared anymore. This two people (after there was 3 of them) had nothing better but to hang out together.Since, you know, Zut is way too cool and he has a HUGE group of people hanging out with and AROUND him, Nadine, Annie and me are an extremely closed and solid group, and so it goes for others, the guys fit practically nowhere.

So Wilhelm found a friend.

We never thought too much about him before this story. He was just a pretty weird guy but we never knew too much about him, he'd never show.

But through the second guy (I'm certainly going to tie him in here once somehow) we've learned a lot...about both of them, and about people in general.

People are strange.
Vows of love and friendship, huge amounts of money spent on presents, beautiful words to complement your figure, style, accomplishments are never as honest as one little bruise on your skin you got as a result of a puppy-fight for your "i didn't want to interrupt your high flying life"

And so Wilhelm was in.....friendship. Yeah, for 4 months we really thought he was in love but now I don't really know what was this all about. Both guys seem very gay to me but who knows?
But this is now too important, I respect any orientation, what I don't respect is foolishness.

You see, this "friends" thing was a complete freak show. Wilhelm threatens to hang himself if the other guy won't let Wilhelm write a course paper for him.
He's almost hysterical than the other guy refuses to miss the lesson with him.
Wilhelm would walk him home and meet at the door next morning.
He'd say and do a lot, and it seems he enjoyed the whole thing.
As well as the other guy who ended up having a lot of money, educational help and other joys- all for free!

seems like every side'd benifit from the "friendship" thing, ha? Well until the Other Guy was gone.

don't ask me now.

Wilhelm was furious.
He was so pissed off that he kept throwing his anger at others - especially at the three of us.

there was a lot, it's stupid to write this all here, but once he'd have a really bad one with Annie and I ended up saying really tough words to him, as I was really ready to punch him to protect her.
As if she ever needed protection.
she'd scare the hell out of him, so did I, and he took it all back, so did I, and after short break we saw the new him. Positive, bright, and oh-so-fake him.

2) Positive, bright and oh-so-fake guy look.

In spring he came, all of the sudden, with a huge single svarovski earring, a really short silver painted leather jacket, new jeans, shoes, other things....and it was all like "I just want to be friends with you, you're cool" kinda thing, and it's sad, and I pity him, but still this everything is so forced, so solely mind-motivated, and I'm still searching for some heart ecisions in him, and I can't find, and this all makes me really say, that I don't understand him.

and though he might do all this good things to me, I won't surrender, and nobody will.






we keep our kindergarten fight, and he keeps watching it, and I keep wondering, if I'm just like him, this distant, cold, or just like them - warm and close?

Strangers

It's funny how you chose yourelf a flock. There are certain people you spend your life with, hour to hour, share dinner and gossips, and never ever doubt your choice until something really strikes the usual routine.
It's like we all are watching other people from the barricades of our own friends. We can't go to the other side and share a meal with someone else. All that left is just watching other people pass by to the flock of their own.
It's a constant passing by, all this life, we're watching each other, glaring, whispering words behind someone's back, accepting or disapproving someone else's behaviour, knowing, still, that they do the same to us. And we're all OK with that.

Little flocks, groups, couples devide our lives into such a chequered battle field. We're all strangers, everybody, but it's easier to live this world if you have some little cage of minds and bodies which provides you with a little illusion of security.

Me, Nadine, Anie, Zut - we all are being watched.
assessed. cheked out. spoken about. thought to be.
All by the people who crowd all around us.
It's not like "we" really exist.
It's just that I want to feel like I have something more than just strangers around me.
We do too, I suppose. We made a pact. Such an amasing agreement, no peacemaker in history could've thought about something that brilliant.
Under this storm of opinions we stare.
Here comes Angela. This is a part of her real name, let me use this here. She passes by, shaking her hips in her usual cat-like manner. It's kinda funny to watch her being so sweet all the way through other "strangers"...she smiles and flashes her eyelashes at guys, like a little baby doll, which looks so good with her a plump figure, blush and wide open eyes..
Yeah, it's kinda funny to watch her now, since I know she used to be Nadine's best friend for years.
It's not kinda fun which says "hey you now I'm with her and you're not"
you see, I never felt I actually WAS with Nadine.
It's just funny...how things turn out, you know?
They used to be two parts of one flock. Big parts.
And now they're this strangers who eye each other, focusing on every little detail, slowly drifting through time, noticing each other change more and more, till they feel that every little piece which once glued them together is gone. And as they do, you know, they're ...so strangers.
funny, isn't it?
probably not at all, but I have no other word to describe that weird feeling I always get when I see how weird this life is.

Wind is blowing, and I can't help but think who is the next to become a stranger?
It can be anybody's turn to leave this little fake shelter we've created.

I look at them and think "One day it will be me, eyeing you from the opposite corner. Maybe this day is tomorrow"

All unknown

It's not actually a fashion blog, guys.
I sure write a lot about clothing and things, I love fashion things, and I absolutely adore things my characters/real life mates (the same thing yeah) wear.
But I don't know much about it.
When it concerns my own style.
I know nothing when it turns to me.
That's why we're going to talk about somebody else here.
I'm just a narrator.

I have to show you the plot we're entering.

You see a group of people. Like, at the university. Two of them you already know. Nadine and Zut. Here they come, young and stunning.
You also see many others.
I need to tell their stories now too, while we're still at the beginning of some kinda story, I suppose?
Oh no, wait. It's not a story. It's a journal.

Next to Nadine, any day. anytime, you'll see Annie. Her name was supposed to mean some kinda freaky pet-name of Anorexia Nervosa.

Annie was overweight about 4 years ago. When she lived far away from here and never knew me, or Nadine, or anyone else. It was a little town, back then, and a little girl. Pretty uncertain about everything, as we all were. But what she certainly had, even then, was stamina and devotion. Sometimes I think she isn't a girl, but is a ..Terminator. She pushed herself hard, she changed, from one edge to another.


Now, Annie that I know and love is skinny, harsh, strong, very smart and articulate.
She never wavers. She would say all the nasty things to your face when you deserve it, and never hesitate for a second. She burns bridges and calls the shots, and if I'm to imagine this group of people at war - she sure is the commander-in-chief.
Army is not any random metaphor - she is a solider, that's the best word I can think of.
Annie loves life. She hates studies because she has to give 200% to it, that's her ultimatum, she can't be softer to herself. But when she has no obligations she is the most cheerful and sunny person I know. She dances and enjoys whatever weather. Although she prefers Sun. And she has very distinctive sense of humor: it is the border line one step from which means her joke is redneck and stupid, but she never crosses it, and makes me laugh hard. That shows some realism and toughness of hers, I suppose.
Although you know. Anorexia means she is hurt. At least, she used to be very hurt.
One day we'll find out.


Nadine and Annie stick together in this whirlpool of faces and minds as they prefer each other to other girls in a crowd: both intelligent and logical, both having nice managerial skills, both quite bitchy, strong, girly, and also with a little hint of melancholy which can't be healed. They are both very realistic and enjoy relationship which is in all aspects human, down-to-earth...
It is such a joy watching them work together in class! Having all the qualities I mentioned, they're the brightest students in the group. They complement each other perfectly, and through the years Nadine and Annie have managed to get to know each other so well that they work as a mechanism now and have never ever broke down.

As for Annie's relationship with another person I've already written about - I need to say that Annie is probably the only girl Zut is really afraid of. Not in a way many people dread spiders or snakes, no, but he speaks to her pretty seldom and tries to avoid joking while she's present - as if he's afraid that she would get offended by something. Her authority is clear to him and he never doubts it. While he teases Nadine, flirting, he would never dare to play the same game with Annie. Although he founds her attractive, I did ask. It is very funny to see them together, it's like the most controversial couple I've ever seen in my life. Which makes me want to see it more often.
Which make me want to write about them.
I'll tell you stories and heartbreaks.
But now...now we're just passing through the crowd of unfamiliar faces...oh, here we go, do you see them? Just like I said, tall pretty girl with a fringe, skinny black haired girl with huge huge eyes and a fringe, too...and here, approaching them, smiling, a guy with curls and self esteem.

Details: Zut

Hey, I just want to say once again - all the photos, pictures are not mine, I don't claim anything, everything belongs to the Internet.
This blog was created in terms of keeping some anonymity, I do understand this might make it boring, but I don't dare show you the real things and faces. This is how things work out now. People whom I see in real life and myself - they are in real life. Here, in the Internet - is just my story and some kind of pattern so you can actually imagine whatever you want. This is kind of creative at least I think so.

Ok, what is up next?
Oh sure, while I'm still into that stream - details of Zut.

1) Dunno why it should be the first one, but it just popped in my head so I"m going to write it now.
His girlfriend rings on his annular.
Oh God! Something is wrong and I can't upload a photo here so catch some more jabber.
It was some "hit of the moment" kinda situation when they exchanged their rings, since then though I see him wearing his very proudly. They are little and clearly feminine which somehow makes the rings suit the guy perfectly. I don't know why, but I always thought that this is kind of accessory which represents him the best.
2) Curls.
Hell yeah, ladies and gentlemen. Curls are the tool of the Devil, this is what I think. You hate your own because you feel stupid, but on the other people - people like the guy I'm talking about - curls are like a trademark on very expensive dress. They are the very beginning of Zut, first thing you learn about him - and hell yeah this thing tells you a lot, although I don't think he won't be himself without them. I actually think quite a contrary - he would be still his damn self or even better.
The curls together with rings I've already mentioned are signs of some softer side of his, I may even say sweet ( coconut shampoo, cinnamon cookies and cherries - as well as other food stuff - this kind of sweet, food-sweet. It's always food if you mean him!). So now you sure feel like there is some not-so-sweet side somewhere. Oh yes, you're right
3)Man-who-does-things-right walk.
He is the kid and a butterfly and a pencil which unites all the colors into some eye-killing one. With people of rubbish.
And with people of some "cool" sect...Oh well. I told you what he turns into.
Still a detail, though.
4) Mix of rock-grunge-luxury-heartbreaker kinda things in his wardrobe.
He has dirty as hell old gumshoes, a 7-year-old boy backpack, trendy skinny jeans, white jacket which is pretty rock-n-roll since it is crumpled badly but still a kickass, a winter coat which a business kinda guy would wear, glasses in this fancy black frame which is for sure taken from all this "heart breaker-bustard" kinda men, a tonne of old messy band name T-shirts, and a lot of other stuff, which is real mixture of everything.
5) His " vanity-bag". Any bag he has I always have a tendency to call this way. It has nothing to do with the size of his bags, but with the amount of things he keeps there. You know that joke that you can find anything in woman's handbag? It's like he might be called a woman according to this. You may happen to find there his sneakers, food, water, song lyrics, clothes, books and whatever else he feels necessary about. Not that my bag doesn't look like that. But other GUYS I know only have their pockets with keys and money. So I find his bag pretty...um lovely.
6) Photos. Something tells me he is not afraid of posing for a photo as, for example, I am. He has a bloody lot of his photos, tonnes and dozens and hundreds and...he looks very intense in every single of them. Not like some other people who are just in a pose or something. No. Every snap is just a moment of his life, nothing is intended, and a lot of energy comes from this things. Whenever wherever they are taken. Still smell the same.


SMELL LIKE TEEN SPIRIT

Details: Nadine

You see, while I'm still this obsessed with these two which actually came to my life quite recently I'm going to jump into that tide of thoughts and drink this personalities up. Maybe little things can show you them better that all of the huge words stuff I've written here before.
so.

DETAILS: Nadine

1) Her lashes.

They are something you kind of notice whenever you look at her. They are like all this girls in adverts and cartoons have - thick and heading right into the sky. She uses this mascara, I think.

I used to have the same but could never achieve such an effect. And till can't. And never will)
2)Her fingers.


Like any princess she has long fingers with long nails. White and red, white and brown, or just white. Her skin is soft and pale.

3) Her clothes.
She likes dresses. If she is to draw something during a boring lecture - she would draw a lady in a long strapless cocktail dress, like this one -

For her prom she had a really long low cut gown, which looked stunning on her cos she's really tall and thin (can't find any resembling in the Internet)
Speaking of decolletes, she has an amazing jersey with it so almost all of her back is opened.
She wears all the things I can wear - sexy dresses and tight jeans, quilling shirts and tank tops.Jeans and formal jackets.





4) High heels.
She doesn't wear any crazy Lady Gaga kinda heels, nothing too colorful or plastic or strange. She prefers something more convenient yet hot. Take a look!




She has it all, oh yeah, she rules it.

Why are they bound?

I began drawing the faces of my reality with this two people (Nadine and Zut), which is against chronology, any common sense and sense of impact.
Thinking of reasons I might say that this people are the most "today" and "hot" in my brain-newsletter. They are the most real urgent issues while others fade in some mist.
Which is pretty mean.

Also...The more I think about all my mates the more they get all paired together in my head sharing some similarities I find...Maybe it's really because I do think too much.
But how can you blame me? I have nothing better to do.
So Zut and Nadine are, indeed, bound together in my head. Not because they're a couple which they are not. No. There other things I see and hope someone else would find kinda fun.
This is what I see:
1) They're both Beautiful.
Ha! Wanna say this is too pop music alike? "Go away, girl, we've had enough of this, bring us ugly ducklings"?
Just let me finish.
I don't mean the appearance which I find very tempting for both, but the way they act.
You can exactly say when the person knows he\has IT. The charm, some magic, inspiration, power over others - whatever, you can feel it, it's in the air. THEY KNOW WHO THEY ARE. and they use it.

2) There's something dirty in their past, present and future which they hold secret and still in a wicked way admire. Something inside their minds which is only known to themselves, something not very high and pretty...They're their sins which make them so charming.

3) The Back-turning point/ "whatever" edge. It's about the right to finish the conversation whenever they want saying "yeah whatever bye" and leave. Without thinking what you might feel about it. It's also about never answering to some of your questions or just being silent for a whole day 'cause they're just not in the mood for you.

4) They are the ones you do something for. They let you do that. They appreciate this, and yet they WAIT for this, they wait for you to suggest, to help, to clear something up, and you sure do this under their precious attention pressure yet they're never obliged to do something for you. Their attention is your payment. And they sure make you doubt if you deserve that attention or not.
5) Relationship stories. Keeping this tiny little sins a secret they build a huge manor of a broken-hearted character for themselves. At private parties they would on occasion reveal some hidden aches of their hearts, knowing for sure that no one around can ever be more broken hearted and beautiful in that love-posessed body, than they are. A greatest pleasure indeed to tell all the audience how many times have they been admired and worshiped, which vows were made and how things once turned black. Love is all around.

6) The last, and the most selfish point - their attitude towards me.
I dare say they both had made me their background. I think this way because we are good while I keep listening to them, being funny and more like non-existent character. When I don't reveal any feelings or desires which any normal human being possesses - they seem to like me. But when something clouds my view, when I dare to show resentment or fear or sadness - they try to keep face and knock me off like a flea from their cloth simultaneously.

Zut

He had to be the first one whom I'd write about, but I went with Nadine, don't exactly know why. I've been thinking what kind of a name could I give him? Something whispers that Zut is the perfect one. (Yeah yeah I'm aware of all the French stuff in the meaning, I just think there's no word which could fit better) Damn beautiful.

No pictures this time - don't want to get all non-anonymous, and don't want to spoilyour idea posting some random guy - this won't go.

So, here we go, Zut.
Once in a while we come across people who seem to be a lot more real and colorful than anything. Crazy flaming beat of life with all that it involves - high and low, wide and narrow, far and close, deep and shallow...Everything that this life might contain suddenly embodies in this tiny piece of sweat, flesh, laugh, hormones and curls.
Love watching him. Never thought that a stupid waste of time as it is - just thinking of a person in my very special analytical way - might turn into such fun. It is really a game we play, a pact we've made - I'll never turn away from you whatever hard you push me and do my best to help if needed, and you, in return, would let me in some tiny pieces of a sacrament of your life.

Freakin' friends, ha? How perfectly I always choose people completely different from what I am.
When he enters the building he greets almost everyone. He knows them, he had a good party with this guys, he'd slept with this girl, oh, and with this too, he knows that one for being dull but never shows it and here he goes! - right through the crowds faster further further further.
He's racy, and dirty, and vulturous; healthy and magnetic, true animal, turning from a lamb into a wolf within a blink of an eye.When he speaks to Nadine the amount of electricity in the air is just enough for you to recharge your mobile phone. It's when he leans closer, it's when he tries her out saying something on the edge of rude/sexy borderline she loses her usual 'unapproachable princess' kinda behavior pattern and becomes all dizzy. Her voice lowers too, as she tries to be sharp-tongued, but can she compete with him? And she loses the match again, which I'm sure makes their communication even more pleasant for both of them.
He has it all at once - charisma and beauty, not afraid of this word, talent (he's a musician) and intelligence, drive to life, energy (friggin lots of it), lovelife, sense of humour and something else, which I can't quite distinguish yet. I once put it into words as being " very true". Can't say better this time.
What amazes me is his absolute inability to judge whether he thinks something or someone is from his world or not. He's with everyone, always surrounded by the crowd who needs him (I bet they'd die from boredom without that lightning bulb) - feels like he really doesn't know who he is. Not that I do know who am I. But I still feel like I know a little bit more in this freaky world of mine than he does in that funhouse of his.
Dark side allures the guy. Who is against that? Guess, Nadine is. His desire to play bad, harsh, be a heart- and rule-breaker definitely scares her, as her morals are much higher than that. Still this are the things which turn her on about him, swear I can see that.
Personally, I'm not against any of his sides, I'm more kind of curious what is coming up next.
He reads those dirty books now and possibly this is the world of his - by his own eyes: very strong flavour of sex and love which has gone off. I see also that this is actually the way he likes it. Isn't that amazing? He behaves like an ass not because he is an ass but because he likes being an ass. Wow people I'm never getting tiered of this.