So Annie broke up with her boyfriend tonight.

I didn't have a clue they had it THAT bad until this Thursday when she said he didn't call her for a week.
I didn't have a clue she's that broken until she called me today, crying

I've never seen her in such a devastating situation before.

Must say, it affects me.
Makes me want to cry to.

Makes me think about ME actually, but I avoid such a thing.

She said her heart was like a mirror where he'd thrown a stone, breaking it into thousands of shards
She said a lot

And it all was in the air - her trauma and despair, and her happiness to have us-me and Nadine as friends to help her
and i'm amazed and amused and happy to know it but ...

oh God I wish here was no BUT and no need for me to muck in with any of my own stories or thoughts

I wish I could tell it all beautifully but...

Here comes BUT

The guy she broke up with was a mess. He's a kid and a couch potato, while she is...well, she's Annie, our Wonderwoman, strong as hell.
I always found them weird.
And so now that she's single she tells me her life is over, she's broken and she's really worried, cos she's going to be old soon, and she has to have a family, and now it all is so uncertain and she has to find some other guy and that she feels terrible without any relationship...

I'm here next to her, and I try to comfort her break-up pain never actually experiencing one, listening to her stories about how you're not going to find anyone after you turn 20 - here I am, never in a couple, still alive somehow.
Her words do bite me in a way


I wish they didn't
I wish to be a friend and truly understand her but the fact is- I can't.
And never could.

Or....maybe I can do this anything for her, but she can't kind of....return it?
Cos my shoes are ...heavier, in a way? Like more...freaked out?

I love you Annie, but it's my pain you'll never ever see.
I'm here to be your friend and to help you, though you won't actually know how to do the same.
It's OK.

Bombshell?

All Hell breaks loose!

Nadin's boyfriend had a big "talk" with our Zut guy!
Don't know about you but I find the very idea quite entertaining.

The background to this historical event is pretty dull: Zut just was himself, jumping around her saying some little dirty things checking her out just for fun, jokingly trying to flirt or whatever it was. In my eyes this was just this innocent act of Zut's nature.
But apparently not for Nadine.

When I said she was a GIRL I meant to show you that she's almost a Princess. Especially in here since no one else is to take the position.
it's not a good idea to make jokes about her, whatever innocent lovely and tiny they are!
A girl like me would be happy to be their little clown.

But Nadine!
She's the girl we all view with the corner of our eye, the girl we turn to watch walking by, the girl we stat talking to in the subway.
She's not the girl to play with.



Her boyfriend is a local celebrity. He has a face which in my opinion has just too much sugar in it - compared to Zut he lacks animal allurement, some luxurious messiness. He's very "correct" definition of a Prince Charming - pop singer, has a group of girl-fans, but he's chosen Nadine and this is what feels good, I guess. He's also known for lipsyncing,having yours truly to be the a lyricswriter, and being nasty to her from time to time...But I just feel that they actually love each other and that...they have this little something between them which makes them pretty same to me.
So Prince Charming has to help his Princess, right?
He writes a letter to our bad boy and they end up discussing some group promotion tips.
Good friends?
No, of course not.

Zut doesn't give a damn about the guy because he just knows very well, as I know very well, as I guess you know now, if you believe me - Prince Charming is never that cool as a Bad Boy can be. So he's very happy to finally settle the riddle of Nadine - who seemed to be so much higher than he was. Now he just doesn't care much to tease her.It also makes him happy to remind himself that he does the same thing (plays the prince who rescues the princess) for his own girlfriend.

Nadine is head over heels in love with her honorable Knight. She's happy he did it for her, she's happy Zut finally shut up, and she's happy to have something others don't have - protection. Her prince was showing off, but he did for her something none of her friends ever had, so it's her right to enjoy her romantic adventure.


There's still a riddle behind them all. The riddle they are not going to even think of.

We're back

I woke up and found myself stuck between Zut and Nadine, who were jokingly fighting using me as a battle field.
I looked up and saw Wilhelm staring at us with a mixed expression.

And I thought 'this is it, here we are again!'

I should admit, I have no idea what did Wilhelm think about this moment.

Who is he?
That's a nice question.

There's no person in my life but he whom I'd expect to do next to anything tomorrow.
He's done so many things I'd be never able to understand or even try to follow his logic.

When we all just met he used to be sentimental depressive young poet dressed in dark colours, craving for decadent nineteenth century Europe.
This might even sound nice, but just let me finish.

You can't always tell something is a lie while something else is true. With Wilhelm there's almost no way to divide his imaginations, lies from something which is real. That scares me. Because you know, if a person like that occurs in your life, you're anyway able to distinguish this one thing above all that mess - the guy is fake.
because if you're true to yourself and everybody around - there would be no such things as enigma in your personality.
at least, not to that Wilhelm's extent.

He is....He is the most difficult person to talk about.
He's changed his looks several times, and...
Well, as his belief and honor he calls himself an artist, musician, writer and so that - and extremely creative person. So he creates looks.yeah, that he does.

1) Sentimental-poet-musician-depressive-thooughtful-extremely creative-guy look.
As I mentioned, this was the first look I was to picture of him, and ....well, just imagine.
He was a little over-weight that time ( he when somehow lost it all and became pretty skinny, saying he hasn't eaten for 4 weeks), and he wore this big black kinda baggy trousers, shining black shoes ( must have been polishing them regularly, who does that at the age of 17?), black or brown sweater, butterfly tie, english pattern scarf, and a sideburns with his combed back hair.
He also carried his cane-umbrella everywhere with him (he still has it now). He used to say a lot of random stuff about his ever lasting sadness and vulnerability of his soul.
This is when interesting things happened between him and his new "friend".


As a matter of fact, this guys would never be drawn together if it wasn't for the circumstances. They were the only unpaired or ungroupped people left, you now what I mean, when some new social group emerges people are quick to find themselves some new group so that they won't be alone and scared anymore. This two people (after there was 3 of them) had nothing better but to hang out together.Since, you know, Zut is way too cool and he has a HUGE group of people hanging out with and AROUND him, Nadine, Annie and me are an extremely closed and solid group, and so it goes for others, the guys fit practically nowhere.

So Wilhelm found a friend.

We never thought too much about him before this story. He was just a pretty weird guy but we never knew too much about him, he'd never show.

But through the second guy (I'm certainly going to tie him in here once somehow) we've learned a lot...about both of them, and about people in general.

People are strange.
Vows of love and friendship, huge amounts of money spent on presents, beautiful words to complement your figure, style, accomplishments are never as honest as one little bruise on your skin you got as a result of a puppy-fight for your "i didn't want to interrupt your high flying life"

And so Wilhelm was in.....friendship. Yeah, for 4 months we really thought he was in love but now I don't really know what was this all about. Both guys seem very gay to me but who knows?
But this is now too important, I respect any orientation, what I don't respect is foolishness.

You see, this "friends" thing was a complete freak show. Wilhelm threatens to hang himself if the other guy won't let Wilhelm write a course paper for him.
He's almost hysterical than the other guy refuses to miss the lesson with him.
Wilhelm would walk him home and meet at the door next morning.
He'd say and do a lot, and it seems he enjoyed the whole thing.
As well as the other guy who ended up having a lot of money, educational help and other joys- all for free!

seems like every side'd benifit from the "friendship" thing, ha? Well until the Other Guy was gone.

don't ask me now.

Wilhelm was furious.
He was so pissed off that he kept throwing his anger at others - especially at the three of us.

there was a lot, it's stupid to write this all here, but once he'd have a really bad one with Annie and I ended up saying really tough words to him, as I was really ready to punch him to protect her.
As if she ever needed protection.
she'd scare the hell out of him, so did I, and he took it all back, so did I, and after short break we saw the new him. Positive, bright, and oh-so-fake him.

2) Positive, bright and oh-so-fake guy look.

In spring he came, all of the sudden, with a huge single svarovski earring, a really short silver painted leather jacket, new jeans, shoes, other things....and it was all like "I just want to be friends with you, you're cool" kinda thing, and it's sad, and I pity him, but still this everything is so forced, so solely mind-motivated, and I'm still searching for some heart ecisions in him, and I can't find, and this all makes me really say, that I don't understand him.

and though he might do all this good things to me, I won't surrender, and nobody will.






we keep our kindergarten fight, and he keeps watching it, and I keep wondering, if I'm just like him, this distant, cold, or just like them - warm and close?

Strangers

It's funny how you chose yourelf a flock. There are certain people you spend your life with, hour to hour, share dinner and gossips, and never ever doubt your choice until something really strikes the usual routine.
It's like we all are watching other people from the barricades of our own friends. We can't go to the other side and share a meal with someone else. All that left is just watching other people pass by to the flock of their own.
It's a constant passing by, all this life, we're watching each other, glaring, whispering words behind someone's back, accepting or disapproving someone else's behaviour, knowing, still, that they do the same to us. And we're all OK with that.

Little flocks, groups, couples devide our lives into such a chequered battle field. We're all strangers, everybody, but it's easier to live this world if you have some little cage of minds and bodies which provides you with a little illusion of security.

Me, Nadine, Anie, Zut - we all are being watched.
assessed. cheked out. spoken about. thought to be.
All by the people who crowd all around us.
It's not like "we" really exist.
It's just that I want to feel like I have something more than just strangers around me.
We do too, I suppose. We made a pact. Such an amasing agreement, no peacemaker in history could've thought about something that brilliant.
Under this storm of opinions we stare.
Here comes Angela. This is a part of her real name, let me use this here. She passes by, shaking her hips in her usual cat-like manner. It's kinda funny to watch her being so sweet all the way through other "strangers"...she smiles and flashes her eyelashes at guys, like a little baby doll, which looks so good with her a plump figure, blush and wide open eyes..
Yeah, it's kinda funny to watch her now, since I know she used to be Nadine's best friend for years.
It's not kinda fun which says "hey you now I'm with her and you're not"
you see, I never felt I actually WAS with Nadine.
It's just funny...how things turn out, you know?
They used to be two parts of one flock. Big parts.
And now they're this strangers who eye each other, focusing on every little detail, slowly drifting through time, noticing each other change more and more, till they feel that every little piece which once glued them together is gone. And as they do, you know, they're ...so strangers.
funny, isn't it?
probably not at all, but I have no other word to describe that weird feeling I always get when I see how weird this life is.

Wind is blowing, and I can't help but think who is the next to become a stranger?
It can be anybody's turn to leave this little fake shelter we've created.

I look at them and think "One day it will be me, eyeing you from the opposite corner. Maybe this day is tomorrow"

All unknown

It's not actually a fashion blog, guys.
I sure write a lot about clothing and things, I love fashion things, and I absolutely adore things my characters/real life mates (the same thing yeah) wear.
But I don't know much about it.
When it concerns my own style.
I know nothing when it turns to me.
That's why we're going to talk about somebody else here.
I'm just a narrator.

I have to show you the plot we're entering.

You see a group of people. Like, at the university. Two of them you already know. Nadine and Zut. Here they come, young and stunning.
You also see many others.
I need to tell their stories now too, while we're still at the beginning of some kinda story, I suppose?
Oh no, wait. It's not a story. It's a journal.

Next to Nadine, any day. anytime, you'll see Annie. Her name was supposed to mean some kinda freaky pet-name of Anorexia Nervosa.

Annie was overweight about 4 years ago. When she lived far away from here and never knew me, or Nadine, or anyone else. It was a little town, back then, and a little girl. Pretty uncertain about everything, as we all were. But what she certainly had, even then, was stamina and devotion. Sometimes I think she isn't a girl, but is a ..Terminator. She pushed herself hard, she changed, from one edge to another.


Now, Annie that I know and love is skinny, harsh, strong, very smart and articulate.
She never wavers. She would say all the nasty things to your face when you deserve it, and never hesitate for a second. She burns bridges and calls the shots, and if I'm to imagine this group of people at war - she sure is the commander-in-chief.
Army is not any random metaphor - she is a solider, that's the best word I can think of.
Annie loves life. She hates studies because she has to give 200% to it, that's her ultimatum, she can't be softer to herself. But when she has no obligations she is the most cheerful and sunny person I know. She dances and enjoys whatever weather. Although she prefers Sun. And she has very distinctive sense of humor: it is the border line one step from which means her joke is redneck and stupid, but she never crosses it, and makes me laugh hard. That shows some realism and toughness of hers, I suppose.
Although you know. Anorexia means she is hurt. At least, she used to be very hurt.
One day we'll find out.


Nadine and Annie stick together in this whirlpool of faces and minds as they prefer each other to other girls in a crowd: both intelligent and logical, both having nice managerial skills, both quite bitchy, strong, girly, and also with a little hint of melancholy which can't be healed. They are both very realistic and enjoy relationship which is in all aspects human, down-to-earth...
It is such a joy watching them work together in class! Having all the qualities I mentioned, they're the brightest students in the group. They complement each other perfectly, and through the years Nadine and Annie have managed to get to know each other so well that they work as a mechanism now and have never ever broke down.

As for Annie's relationship with another person I've already written about - I need to say that Annie is probably the only girl Zut is really afraid of. Not in a way many people dread spiders or snakes, no, but he speaks to her pretty seldom and tries to avoid joking while she's present - as if he's afraid that she would get offended by something. Her authority is clear to him and he never doubts it. While he teases Nadine, flirting, he would never dare to play the same game with Annie. Although he founds her attractive, I did ask. It is very funny to see them together, it's like the most controversial couple I've ever seen in my life. Which makes me want to see it more often.
Which make me want to write about them.
I'll tell you stories and heartbreaks.
But now...now we're just passing through the crowd of unfamiliar faces...oh, here we go, do you see them? Just like I said, tall pretty girl with a fringe, skinny black haired girl with huge huge eyes and a fringe, too...and here, approaching them, smiling, a guy with curls and self esteem.

Details: Zut

Hey, I just want to say once again - all the photos, pictures are not mine, I don't claim anything, everything belongs to the Internet.
This blog was created in terms of keeping some anonymity, I do understand this might make it boring, but I don't dare show you the real things and faces. This is how things work out now. People whom I see in real life and myself - they are in real life. Here, in the Internet - is just my story and some kind of pattern so you can actually imagine whatever you want. This is kind of creative at least I think so.

Ok, what is up next?
Oh sure, while I'm still into that stream - details of Zut.

1) Dunno why it should be the first one, but it just popped in my head so I"m going to write it now.
His girlfriend rings on his annular.
Oh God! Something is wrong and I can't upload a photo here so catch some more jabber.
It was some "hit of the moment" kinda situation when they exchanged their rings, since then though I see him wearing his very proudly. They are little and clearly feminine which somehow makes the rings suit the guy perfectly. I don't know why, but I always thought that this is kind of accessory which represents him the best.
2) Curls.
Hell yeah, ladies and gentlemen. Curls are the tool of the Devil, this is what I think. You hate your own because you feel stupid, but on the other people - people like the guy I'm talking about - curls are like a trademark on very expensive dress. They are the very beginning of Zut, first thing you learn about him - and hell yeah this thing tells you a lot, although I don't think he won't be himself without them. I actually think quite a contrary - he would be still his damn self or even better.
The curls together with rings I've already mentioned are signs of some softer side of his, I may even say sweet ( coconut shampoo, cinnamon cookies and cherries - as well as other food stuff - this kind of sweet, food-sweet. It's always food if you mean him!). So now you sure feel like there is some not-so-sweet side somewhere. Oh yes, you're right
3)Man-who-does-things-right walk.
He is the kid and a butterfly and a pencil which unites all the colors into some eye-killing one. With people of rubbish.
And with people of some "cool" sect...Oh well. I told you what he turns into.
Still a detail, though.
4) Mix of rock-grunge-luxury-heartbreaker kinda things in his wardrobe.
He has dirty as hell old gumshoes, a 7-year-old boy backpack, trendy skinny jeans, white jacket which is pretty rock-n-roll since it is crumpled badly but still a kickass, a winter coat which a business kinda guy would wear, glasses in this fancy black frame which is for sure taken from all this "heart breaker-bustard" kinda men, a tonne of old messy band name T-shirts, and a lot of other stuff, which is real mixture of everything.
5) His " vanity-bag". Any bag he has I always have a tendency to call this way. It has nothing to do with the size of his bags, but with the amount of things he keeps there. You know that joke that you can find anything in woman's handbag? It's like he might be called a woman according to this. You may happen to find there his sneakers, food, water, song lyrics, clothes, books and whatever else he feels necessary about. Not that my bag doesn't look like that. But other GUYS I know only have their pockets with keys and money. So I find his bag pretty...um lovely.
6) Photos. Something tells me he is not afraid of posing for a photo as, for example, I am. He has a bloody lot of his photos, tonnes and dozens and hundreds and...he looks very intense in every single of them. Not like some other people who are just in a pose or something. No. Every snap is just a moment of his life, nothing is intended, and a lot of energy comes from this things. Whenever wherever they are taken. Still smell the same.


SMELL LIKE TEEN SPIRIT

Details: Nadine

You see, while I'm still this obsessed with these two which actually came to my life quite recently I'm going to jump into that tide of thoughts and drink this personalities up. Maybe little things can show you them better that all of the huge words stuff I've written here before.
so.

DETAILS: Nadine

1) Her lashes.

They are something you kind of notice whenever you look at her. They are like all this girls in adverts and cartoons have - thick and heading right into the sky. She uses this mascara, I think.

I used to have the same but could never achieve such an effect. And till can't. And never will)
2)Her fingers.


Like any princess she has long fingers with long nails. White and red, white and brown, or just white. Her skin is soft and pale.

3) Her clothes.
She likes dresses. If she is to draw something during a boring lecture - she would draw a lady in a long strapless cocktail dress, like this one -

For her prom she had a really long low cut gown, which looked stunning on her cos she's really tall and thin (can't find any resembling in the Internet)
Speaking of decolletes, she has an amazing jersey with it so almost all of her back is opened.
She wears all the things I can wear - sexy dresses and tight jeans, quilling shirts and tank tops.Jeans and formal jackets.





4) High heels.
She doesn't wear any crazy Lady Gaga kinda heels, nothing too colorful or plastic or strange. She prefers something more convenient yet hot. Take a look!




She has it all, oh yeah, she rules it.

Why are they bound?

I began drawing the faces of my reality with this two people (Nadine and Zut), which is against chronology, any common sense and sense of impact.
Thinking of reasons I might say that this people are the most "today" and "hot" in my brain-newsletter. They are the most real urgent issues while others fade in some mist.
Which is pretty mean.

Also...The more I think about all my mates the more they get all paired together in my head sharing some similarities I find...Maybe it's really because I do think too much.
But how can you blame me? I have nothing better to do.
So Zut and Nadine are, indeed, bound together in my head. Not because they're a couple which they are not. No. There other things I see and hope someone else would find kinda fun.
This is what I see:
1) They're both Beautiful.
Ha! Wanna say this is too pop music alike? "Go away, girl, we've had enough of this, bring us ugly ducklings"?
Just let me finish.
I don't mean the appearance which I find very tempting for both, but the way they act.
You can exactly say when the person knows he\has IT. The charm, some magic, inspiration, power over others - whatever, you can feel it, it's in the air. THEY KNOW WHO THEY ARE. and they use it.

2) There's something dirty in their past, present and future which they hold secret and still in a wicked way admire. Something inside their minds which is only known to themselves, something not very high and pretty...They're their sins which make them so charming.

3) The Back-turning point/ "whatever" edge. It's about the right to finish the conversation whenever they want saying "yeah whatever bye" and leave. Without thinking what you might feel about it. It's also about never answering to some of your questions or just being silent for a whole day 'cause they're just not in the mood for you.

4) They are the ones you do something for. They let you do that. They appreciate this, and yet they WAIT for this, they wait for you to suggest, to help, to clear something up, and you sure do this under their precious attention pressure yet they're never obliged to do something for you. Their attention is your payment. And they sure make you doubt if you deserve that attention or not.
5) Relationship stories. Keeping this tiny little sins a secret they build a huge manor of a broken-hearted character for themselves. At private parties they would on occasion reveal some hidden aches of their hearts, knowing for sure that no one around can ever be more broken hearted and beautiful in that love-posessed body, than they are. A greatest pleasure indeed to tell all the audience how many times have they been admired and worshiped, which vows were made and how things once turned black. Love is all around.

6) The last, and the most selfish point - their attitude towards me.
I dare say they both had made me their background. I think this way because we are good while I keep listening to them, being funny and more like non-existent character. When I don't reveal any feelings or desires which any normal human being possesses - they seem to like me. But when something clouds my view, when I dare to show resentment or fear or sadness - they try to keep face and knock me off like a flea from their cloth simultaneously.

Zut

He had to be the first one whom I'd write about, but I went with Nadine, don't exactly know why. I've been thinking what kind of a name could I give him? Something whispers that Zut is the perfect one. (Yeah yeah I'm aware of all the French stuff in the meaning, I just think there's no word which could fit better) Damn beautiful.

No pictures this time - don't want to get all non-anonymous, and don't want to spoilyour idea posting some random guy - this won't go.

So, here we go, Zut.
Once in a while we come across people who seem to be a lot more real and colorful than anything. Crazy flaming beat of life with all that it involves - high and low, wide and narrow, far and close, deep and shallow...Everything that this life might contain suddenly embodies in this tiny piece of sweat, flesh, laugh, hormones and curls.
Love watching him. Never thought that a stupid waste of time as it is - just thinking of a person in my very special analytical way - might turn into such fun. It is really a game we play, a pact we've made - I'll never turn away from you whatever hard you push me and do my best to help if needed, and you, in return, would let me in some tiny pieces of a sacrament of your life.

Freakin' friends, ha? How perfectly I always choose people completely different from what I am.
When he enters the building he greets almost everyone. He knows them, he had a good party with this guys, he'd slept with this girl, oh, and with this too, he knows that one for being dull but never shows it and here he goes! - right through the crowds faster further further further.
He's racy, and dirty, and vulturous; healthy and magnetic, true animal, turning from a lamb into a wolf within a blink of an eye.When he speaks to Nadine the amount of electricity in the air is just enough for you to recharge your mobile phone. It's when he leans closer, it's when he tries her out saying something on the edge of rude/sexy borderline she loses her usual 'unapproachable princess' kinda behavior pattern and becomes all dizzy. Her voice lowers too, as she tries to be sharp-tongued, but can she compete with him? And she loses the match again, which I'm sure makes their communication even more pleasant for both of them.
He has it all at once - charisma and beauty, not afraid of this word, talent (he's a musician) and intelligence, drive to life, energy (friggin lots of it), lovelife, sense of humour and something else, which I can't quite distinguish yet. I once put it into words as being " very true". Can't say better this time.
What amazes me is his absolute inability to judge whether he thinks something or someone is from his world or not. He's with everyone, always surrounded by the crowd who needs him (I bet they'd die from boredom without that lightning bulb) - feels like he really doesn't know who he is. Not that I do know who am I. But I still feel like I know a little bit more in this freaky world of mine than he does in that funhouse of his.
Dark side allures the guy. Who is against that? Guess, Nadine is. His desire to play bad, harsh, be a heart- and rule-breaker definitely scares her, as her morals are much higher than that. Still this are the things which turn her on about him, swear I can see that.
Personally, I'm not against any of his sides, I'm more kind of curious what is coming up next.
He reads those dirty books now and possibly this is the world of his - by his own eyes: very strong flavour of sex and love which has gone off. I see also that this is actually the way he likes it. Isn't that amazing? He behaves like an ass not because he is an ass but because he likes being an ass. Wow people I'm never getting tiered of this.

Nadine

Time to throw away the covers and begin telling the stories of people I wanted to tell for so long.
You know. Maybe they wouldn't be happy to see this.
But sorry, I feel THE NEED to open up.

I'll begin with this female sweetie the friend of mine.
She looks like this girl I found in the INTERNET. Same style, same enigma in her eyes, same womanish glow, sexy, charming, sassy.



We can call her NADINE I suppose.
This is the name of a character in this book I read when I was about 12, I think- by Jacklyn Wilson - you know, sappy girl stuff. Nadine was something I have always dreamt to be - long dark hair without curls, slim, model-alike, so concrete in her being HERSELF that the words of Muse's "Bliss" come to my ears straightaway -
"Everything about you is how I wanna be
Your freedom comes naturally"

Nadine likes everything that could fit to the "Pretty girl" or "Charming woman" type. She wears high heels, skinny jeans paired with some elegant jacket, there's pink and beige, there's dresses and everything a really serious beauty would wear.
Easy to see from where does our friendship stem from - I'm never a rival to her.

We're the freakiest two when we're seen together - my loose jeans and hair trouble and her gloss.
So that from time to time I am being shown my place.
Sometimes she would just keep silent for entire day because she is pissed off with me.
This is the thing I never possess.
I can be furious and crazy and stuff- but only because I piss off myself.
It's funny to see that someone that level-headed like her might actually feel ENVY to someone like me.
I mean - in her universe I'm mud.
But after sometime together she'd realized, probably, that I possessed some qualities she could never have.
So now we're stuck together. She needs me.
At least to be her ugly friend, you know, to shade.
She would let me be smart and freaky and this kinda creative spirit, but would never let to her private role - the role of a GIRL

She is James Bond's girlfriend, she's the main character of the Sex and the City, she is the Girl here. Despite having a boyfriend she would still have this chemistry moments with guys which I, for example, never have. Just because she is the Girl, and they no wonder sense it. When they speak to each other- I hear their voices lower, see their eyes sparkle, see their body blossom. The topics would change fast until they come to the border they shouldn't cross because they all have their relationship in progress - but still the conversation is still much more pleasant than a conversation with me. I'm the one they turn to for the help in studies, not for some pretty flirty chat.
Her boyfriend is very self-confident, with poppy face and poppy words. He's a singer and things seem to go good for him right now. He says Nadine how much he loves her, quoting Frederic Beigbeder, though she might not know he quotes someone, I think.
She is the Girl, so she has all the rights. Accurate, pretty, smart, she has the right to pinch me a little from time to time. When she hugs me and says she just loves me.
She is the Girl, so she has the right to say she's tired from everybody else.She has the right to turn away, not to help, not to adore everyone.
She has a very sophisticated exterior, a mystery, and pretty dirty, sexy, so naked body-alike interior. This is something guys adore her for. Irresistible.

Beautiful

I've been thinking about it. A lot. So much that in fact it is driving me crazy.
Beautiful.
Are my friends?.. Am I?..








Thin.
Chic.

At those photos life seems not what it is here.
No bad hair days.
And everything seems special. Too special.

Sure, this is not me.

How to deal with that?
In a world of constant beauty, shocking and choking - it is so hard to say "Hello" and receive an answer.





Everything goes crazily around it and around THEM. Those ones who make me and the other world shiver.
Craziness. Amaziness.
What do I do with you, my little me?

I guess my only way is to keep it independent.
Won't spend my time trying to me more.like.them.
'cos you see I'm not and never will be.
I can't hate them.
Who can hate the beauty?

But anyway I'll choose some other way.
Even love isn't that important as independence and freedom is.
Do you see me now, denying everything? This makes me feel hell proud of myself. Really. When I look at them-I'm done. And when, when I see a guy I like kissing one of those perfect creatures - I'm done and dead. But.
But whatever happens, whatever I don't posses and won't become - I'm still me. I've got responsibilities to myself.
So what I really have to do is to quench my fists and go the opposite direction.
It helps.
Opposite, opposite, opposite from anything.
It helps, it hides and it cheers. It gives you a feeling that you're special, which other people get from their face or ass. Pathetic, but useful.

What have I learned today?
If you have nothing to do - just start learning your philosophy home task by heart. Don't go and write some rubbish in your blog.

Bitchy Wednesday

Welcome we love you
We hate you
We love you
We want you
We need you
We wish we were like you
They say you're a saint
You're a whore
You're a sinner
That he had you
He made you
He can't live without you.

Would you confess if we asked
That you nurture the urge
To declare that it's time
To settle down
With a man of your own
You want a baby
A family
A piece of security

Shut your mouth
Try not to panic
Just shut your mouth
If you can do it

Shut your mouth
Try not to panic
Just shut your mouth
If you can do it
Just shut your mouth

What's your opinion on the dire situation
In our land here
Our guest here
Of course you'll be nice here
How do you feel about god and religion
Are you good people
Bad people
Guess it doesn't matter people.

Your place
My place
Make her bring that famous face
You got some
You want some
You wanna let me get you some
We know your music but of course we'd never buy it
It's too fake man
Right man!
(We don't give a FUCKING DAMN!)

Shut your mouth
Try not to panic
Just shut your mouth
If you can do it

Shut your mouth
Try not to panic
Just shut your mouth
If you can do it

I hear you say it
Play it smart girl
Win the game love
Give 'em what they want
What they want to see and you could be a big star
You could go far
Make a landmark
What have you been reading you smart girl?
Win the game love
Give 'em what they want
What they want to see and you could be a big star
You could go far
Make a landmark
Make a shit load.

And the world spins by
With everybody moaning
Pissing, bitching and everyone is shitting
On their friends
On their love
On their oaths
On their honor
On their graves
Out their mouths
And their words say nothing

Shut your mouth
Try not to panic
Just shut your mouth
If you can do it

Shut your mouth
Try not to panic
Just shut your mouth
If you can do it
Just shut your mouth

I waited to say something
Oh shut your mouth
I wanted to say something
Just shut your mouth
I waited to say something
Oh shut your mouth
I wanted to be something
Just shut your mouth

(c) Garbage


This two days it is really too many words.
Like, yesterday we had a spare time between classes, had nothing to do, just set in the cafeteria. And, as it naturally goes so, mates started some discussion, usual fun teenage stuff like movies books studies...
I was silent most of the time, it has become my attitude towards everything, although from time to time I really wanted to jump up and shout this exact words "Shut your mouth"
Don't really know what was wrong with me or the guys, just..

You shall know the feeling when you're surrounded and still have nothing to say.
Because your entire universe is SO MUCH different and it should never EVER meet any other universes, because if it happens - everything falls apart and nothing could be done to stop it.

they are my friends.
still I stood up and left.

Maybe this is what growing up is like?

Although it would be unfair to say there's no one at all.

Just a pity that those "my" are far.
Just another day when everything is very complicated.

And - I look like a monster 'cos I've caught flu, and now my nose is bleeding for some reason, so as in some movie they would say
"JUST PERFECT"
with that strange intonation. You know.


I'm clever, after all.
have enough humor to laugh at myself.
constantly.
freakin' always
and I guess I still have some worlds to escape to.
when this present anxiety will let me go.

oh shut up, stupid girl!!

It has been so many discussions about it, I know, just want to say what I see.

Since Tuesday when I watched this I keep listening and watching this very part over and over again.
I feel very connected to it.
This whole metaphor, this bitter smiles and the word "happy" from House mouth gives me goosebumps.
They've managed to make this whole thing tiny, graceful, disturbing and extremely sad.

Cos in every moment I see my story. This is such a relief to see something that true and that appealing. And still this is very sad.
Just look at them.
This beautiful charming woman in a bride's white is supposed to be dying. When she softly whispers, preparing herself for the happiness, my heart sinks.
The limp and devastated man. And this hospital atmosphere. It is a twisted feeling. To to see when dancing towards the upcoming thunder...So true, a bombshell

it makes me remember everything I've ever felt in my life, memories flesh before my eyes faster when I can catch them, and it's almost like this is me staying there, in that surreal place...And I really do, every day.

Just singing to it, over and over again.

This is an amazing response to all this books, movies, people who just tell us to forget our troubles and to get happy. Happiness has become some kinda pill for everyone, just like popularity, wealth and beauty.
This is at least true.
And by and large - spiritual.
This piece tells me that happiness is unreachable. And still, I also hear - not that necessary. At least that usual form of it.
Am I now happy crying when looking at their sad faces?
Am I not happy to hear that happiness doesn't exist in a world of mine?

If you're a nerd or a weirdo like me don't get too cosy with those "normal" people. It might seem like you're getting on pretty well and you might be thinking that you aren't nerdy and weird that much, but trust me, you are. And in a day or a week your new pretty friends will find a way to show you that, though not obligatory on purpose.

There's no pill and no technique which would magically change your brains and help you laugh at silly toilet jokes.
A neurosurgery could help, though.

Still, my brain won't rebel against itself. It's more of a narcissistic kind.

A didactic story

Today I made a pretty walk with a pretty guy. I remember old-school movies and cartoons and have some idea of how I should behave. You know. Be fancy. Be hooked.
But I couldn't care less about this since I was still a weirdo, and he was still a cool guy. I can see fun, I can see youth and loads of energy, enthusiasm and power. Things I don't posses and doubt if I will. Things which are the life itself.
But I can't approve of ways this energy etc is spent. So this is there I begin searching for a connection and don't find it.
Love is great. Three different girl-friends per year - not really.
Imagination is superb. Using drugs to help yourself make cool things - not really.
Beauty is our everything. A beauty who divides people into two columns- "cool" ones and the others - not really.

It is difficult to explain your cold attitude to someone who is really blinded by the amazingness of himself and a world around. The biggest trouble with people is that they aren't entirely good or bad.
So if you're not strong enough to resist their good parts - you'll end up stuck just as I am.

If you experience something similar...If you still want to befriend some of one's whose life is way different from yours - you'd better never be open with them. I make them open to me so that I can enjoy the presence of some book-alike story near me, and never let them actually hurt me.

If they don't know I'm different - they won't hurt me.
Being open has no sense anyway - they won't be able to understand and assess your distinctiveness.
So if you're going to a fancy party - just lie your ass out. Pretend you're cool - this is much better than just sit in a corner being yourself. Joke a lot - they won't get your sarcasm anyway.

Why do this?
Because we shouldn't let those pretty dummies conquer the entire world.
Don't let them get too cosy!
Even though they don't actually see ME. They know that I ( my name and surname) exist.

So I'm really not going to make a big introduction.
I had another blog. It was too snotty. So I created this. To be more true. You know. I can be shitty cute and this funny-mad something. But I'm tiered of being that all the time. Sarcasm and bitterness are much more real. So fuck this beginning and I'll just get down to whatever today was like.

I study at University with a million of different types of plastic people. My head hurts in the evening because of them. My friends include: one who's always bitching on me; anorexic one; one with too high self-esteem; a normal human being; a heart-breaker; a very tomb-boyish girl; a romantically-childishly-flimsy someone and a couple of others. Not that they really like me. Not that I don't like them at all. I love them. Still I walk alone.
Gotta be something I know better. Gotta be something I should show.